Memoirs of a cadet

Found my journal book from OCS, have quite a few nice entries, haha.

Front page, undated:
To me, to be an officer in the SAF means...
1) to be in a position of influence
2) to be a leader/fisher of men
3) to be a man of godly values and be able to pass them on

22-06-05, 2010hrs, Wed:
Hey, today finally have some admin time. We are required to keep a journal for our reflections of the day, which is great man! Now I can have time to write to you (God), and its part of army! Thank you man. These 3 days are alright, very hectic, always rushing for the next programme, but so far still managable la. The tower run is cool, got to see the industrial area, the residential area and the forest. Our "playground". The rationale behind the 3 edge SAFTI tower was firstly to represent the 3 services of SAF: navy, army and airforce. Secondly, the residential and industrial areas are livelihood of Singapore, so we need to train hard in the forest in order to protect those places. Haha, the latter reason is quite funny, but help me internalize it. Take away my skepticism and unwillingness...

30-06-05, 1032 hrs, Thu:
Finally! Field camp is over! Though it is only a mere 2 day 1 night outfield, it sure seems like an eternity. Learnt and did navigation exercises, did some SIT test stuff, more navigation... Was so tiring by then, I just dropped everything on the floor and lie down for a good 5 mins. At least we had a sumptuous dinner, with ice milo! (What? Ice milo? Sumptuous?!) For method of instruction, I talked about sailing. It came off quite well, thank you. But I suppose if Im asked to give an impromptu speech, ill still not be competent. Help me with that.
Today drawing spare arms. Im rather fearful to be in armskote, doing duty. Fearful of making stupid mistakes and signing extras. Fearful of losing a weapon. But i know it is your plan, cos so "suai", I dont want to, but still got it in the end.
Called Mum just now. She said she is not feeling well. Then didnt see doctor cos dont have money. Haiz, help her out. Grant her a speedy recovery.

04-07-05, 1015hrs, Mon:
Today we had initiation, with our lanyard being taken off. It marks the time when our real OCS training starts. The two bar rank was presented to us, and now we must act with more responsibility. Today during the tekan session, I realized my arm strength is far too weak, cos Im not able to hold my SBO at 90 degrees. It also happened during field camp when im supposed to put my full pack over head. So to build myself up stronger, I plan to hold my SBO/full pack every night before sleeping, maybe for 2 mins (there was a 5 beside it being crossed out; the 2 was put in after an honest assessment of my own ability).

13-07-05, 0815hrs, Wed:
Tried to pray just now, but again, dozed off many times. Sometimes really dont know what to say to you anymore..

20-07-05, 0701hrs, Wed:
Just now, realized i need to do regimental duty again, cos of the small wing strength. Drew lots: i got Sat CDO. In a way thankful, cos means i can at least go church.
Failed SOC today. Cant do swing trainer, low rope and struggle through the parallel bars too. I clocked 16 mins (What?!). Very down, depressed and disappointed. Its like im not performing for the entire course right from day 1. Not onlx do I flunk almost every written test (and MRPT too), my supposedly strength, my fitness, also let me down. What's happening now? I may not be super motivated or siao on in this place, but i can definitely say im not a slacker. Im like the worse around here, and Im infamous already (i cant remember why i wrote the last part though).

02-08-05, 1259hrs, Tues:
....
Really happy that Bing crossed over. Now we can talk together, and i suppose we can be a source of strength for one another. Help him to adapt to life here Lord...

13-08-05, 1720hrs, Sat:
Also dont know what to write. Seems to have alot of stuff in mind, but not sure how to put into words. Always cant wait to book out, but once outside, like at a lost. Want to have fun, companionship, go chill out with friends la, but at the same time, also know that deep down these things doesnt satisfy..

29-08-05, 0837hrs, Mon:
Tomorrow. Ex Spade. 3 days. 2 nights. When i wake up today..(followed by a string of sentences that doesnt make sense. I guess i fell back to sleep)