有些感想用英语无法表达，今天就尝试用华语博客吧。
转眼三个月就过去了，我的美国之旅也快结束了。
所发生的一切，所见到的事物，心里所体会到的，也无法一言一语可以表达。
有时候觉得自己很勇敢，一个人漂洋过海，离开家人的呵护和朋友的鼓励，想看看自己究竟是什么料。但也有好几个夜晚觉得自己很愚蠢，尤其在这里遇到不开心的时候。看到好友在Facebook的最新信息，知道神在如何使用他们，为他们高兴，也为自己觉得气馁。我自问在美国究竟学到了什么。最多也不是学会卖SixFlags商品，做几道菜，认识新朋友，也没什么大不了。
David the shepherd boy 的故事是神在鼓励我吗？ 还是自己的positive thinking?
天啊，用华语很慢啊，还是不写了。
Friday, July 30, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Of adventure
I read that the next phase of the journey to true masculinity is the cowboy stage, the age where we yearn for real adventure. It is the time when something inside tell us that we need to prove ourselves, need to be tested. It can be driving a car, fixing things around the house, going on a roadtrip.
The Question of a man;s soul begins to present itself in everything the boy-becoming-a-young-man does: Do I have what it takes? (Fathered by God by John Eldredge, 2009)
"Taking to the Road" often play a big part of this cowboy stage, not unlike the hobbits in The Fellowship of the Ring. I understood that the power of experience plays an important part at this stage of the young man's life. It is one thing to be told you have what it takes (as in the boyhood stage where he feels affirmed and loved), it's another thing altogether to actually discover that you do, though some trial brought up in an adventure, or through some test that hard work demands.
The cowboy heart is wounded or undeveloped if he
1) is not allowed to have adventure (e.g. overly protective family)
2) no one to take him there (e.g. absent father)
3) is given overwhelming work unfit for the heart of a boy (e.g. demanding father)
4) repeatedly fails, and there's no one to interpret his failures with him (e.g. absent father)
Also, the time of the cowboy is not merely one of unending adventure. It has to be balanced with a context and hard work. Many fatherless young men find life in some adventure like kayaking or skating - and stay there and make it their world. They are modern-day Peter-Pans, refusing to grow up as men. On the surface, they seem alive and free. Beneath, they are uncertain and ungrounded. And they have broken the hearts of many young women who loved the adventurer, and didnt understand why they wouldnt go on to become the warrior and lover and the king.
After reading about the above, I think I could make much more sense of my stubborn desire to come to USA.
Do I have what it takes? That's the question I probably want answered. Growing up for the most part in a single-parent family (emotionally), I got plenty of love, concern and shelter from Mum. That probably explains my lack of culinary skills! Dont get me wrong, Mum did great. I appreciate everything she did for me. But Mums' nature is mercy, but a boy needs to learn to face danger.
Do I have what it takes? It's a father's job to help the boy get an answer. The father is supposed to provide initiation by arranging for moments - through hard work and adventure - when the Question is on the line, and in those moments helps the young man hit it right out of the park.
I mentioned that this stage may be short-circuited when there is no man, no father to take him to the adventure. While many men missed this cowboy stage, and not many boys are guided through it, I took comfort that we can go back and pick up where we were left off intentionally.
Honestly, I felt much more at ease with myself for this US trip after understanding more about this phase in a man's life. For various reasons, guilt and self-doubt plagued me over the past year. But perhaps, this is God initiating me. It is heartening to know that God is still working in your life when you feel your mistakes and failures have distanced Him from you.
For this and so much more that my words are inadequate to express, Lord, thank you.
The Question of a man;s soul begins to present itself in everything the boy-becoming-a-young-man does: Do I have what it takes? (Fathered by God by John Eldredge, 2009)
"Taking to the Road" often play a big part of this cowboy stage, not unlike the hobbits in The Fellowship of the Ring. I understood that the power of experience plays an important part at this stage of the young man's life. It is one thing to be told you have what it takes (as in the boyhood stage where he feels affirmed and loved), it's another thing altogether to actually discover that you do, though some trial brought up in an adventure, or through some test that hard work demands.
The cowboy heart is wounded or undeveloped if he
1) is not allowed to have adventure (e.g. overly protective family)
2) no one to take him there (e.g. absent father)
3) is given overwhelming work unfit for the heart of a boy (e.g. demanding father)
4) repeatedly fails, and there's no one to interpret his failures with him (e.g. absent father)
Also, the time of the cowboy is not merely one of unending adventure. It has to be balanced with a context and hard work. Many fatherless young men find life in some adventure like kayaking or skating - and stay there and make it their world. They are modern-day Peter-Pans, refusing to grow up as men. On the surface, they seem alive and free. Beneath, they are uncertain and ungrounded. And they have broken the hearts of many young women who loved the adventurer, and didnt understand why they wouldnt go on to become the warrior and lover and the king.
After reading about the above, I think I could make much more sense of my stubborn desire to come to USA.
Do I have what it takes? That's the question I probably want answered. Growing up for the most part in a single-parent family (emotionally), I got plenty of love, concern and shelter from Mum. That probably explains my lack of culinary skills! Dont get me wrong, Mum did great. I appreciate everything she did for me. But Mums' nature is mercy, but a boy needs to learn to face danger.
Do I have what it takes? It's a father's job to help the boy get an answer. The father is supposed to provide initiation by arranging for moments - through hard work and adventure - when the Question is on the line, and in those moments helps the young man hit it right out of the park.
I mentioned that this stage may be short-circuited when there is no man, no father to take him to the adventure. While many men missed this cowboy stage, and not many boys are guided through it, I took comfort that we can go back and pick up where we were left off intentionally.
Honestly, I felt much more at ease with myself for this US trip after understanding more about this phase in a man's life. For various reasons, guilt and self-doubt plagued me over the past year. But perhaps, this is God initiating me. It is heartening to know that God is still working in your life when you feel your mistakes and failures have distanced Him from you.
For this and so much more that my words are inadequate to express, Lord, thank you.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Surely life isnt meant to be figured out on our own
Had a talk with one of my Singapore friends E over here.
The conversation inevitably gravitated to our family and we realized we had more in common than it seems. In our time in Atlantic City casino I have learnt that E came from a single-parent family. His Dad had chalked up and left the family a sizable debt from gambling. He said he had to face debtors ("Dai-yi-long" in Cantonese terms) knocking on his doors at a young age of 13. His younger sister is at home with him then while his Mum is out at work.
Im sure he is not alone. Many, too many, I know have a tough childhood story. Stuff that happen to us that no kid should be allowed to go through. Stuff that rob us of our childhood, stuff that force young boys to grow up way too quickly. E didnt say it, but as tears welled up in his eyes, I reckon he must have wished there's someone to father him. Someone to protect his mum and sister and him. Someone to show him the way so he didnt have to figure life out on his own.
I told him my story and that I felt for him. On hindsight, I wanted to tell him that surely this isnt how it should be. I wanted to tell him while we may not have a earthly father, there's one in heaven that can and will look out for us. I pray for another opportunity to talk again before we move on with our lives.
And in our short conversation, we talked about how our Mums work hard to support our family. We talked about how we want to bring our Mums to Europe and Taiwan respectively when we graduate and have a job and money. We talked about how important having money for our family in the future is for us, that sometimes those ard us in better situations dont always understand what that means. We talked about the importance of thrift and sacrifice, not having things our peers may have while growing up. We talked about how in the future we must reciprocate those who took care and love us when our families were in the doldrums.
And we talked about how we need not pity ourselves or feel down and out. That tough times does make tough men (and I humbly hope we are in that category). That the lessons we learn from the school of hard knocks are lessons money cant buy nor our professors can teach.
Cheers E!
The conversation inevitably gravitated to our family and we realized we had more in common than it seems. In our time in Atlantic City casino I have learnt that E came from a single-parent family. His Dad had chalked up and left the family a sizable debt from gambling. He said he had to face debtors ("Dai-yi-long" in Cantonese terms) knocking on his doors at a young age of 13. His younger sister is at home with him then while his Mum is out at work.
Im sure he is not alone. Many, too many, I know have a tough childhood story. Stuff that happen to us that no kid should be allowed to go through. Stuff that rob us of our childhood, stuff that force young boys to grow up way too quickly. E didnt say it, but as tears welled up in his eyes, I reckon he must have wished there's someone to father him. Someone to protect his mum and sister and him. Someone to show him the way so he didnt have to figure life out on his own.
I told him my story and that I felt for him. On hindsight, I wanted to tell him that surely this isnt how it should be. I wanted to tell him while we may not have a earthly father, there's one in heaven that can and will look out for us. I pray for another opportunity to talk again before we move on with our lives.
And in our short conversation, we talked about how our Mums work hard to support our family. We talked about how we want to bring our Mums to Europe and Taiwan respectively when we graduate and have a job and money. We talked about how important having money for our family in the future is for us, that sometimes those ard us in better situations dont always understand what that means. We talked about the importance of thrift and sacrifice, not having things our peers may have while growing up. We talked about how in the future we must reciprocate those who took care and love us when our families were in the doldrums.
And we talked about how we need not pity ourselves or feel down and out. That tough times does make tough men (and I humbly hope we are in that category). That the lessons we learn from the school of hard knocks are lessons money cant buy nor our professors can teach.
Cheers E!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
How would I want to be fathered
Reading Fathered by God by John Eldredge (courtesy of Bing and Daphne). The book talked about the initiation into manhood comes in phases - boyhood, cowboy, warrior, lover, king, and finally sage. Each phase is important, but none as crucial as the boyhood stage. Because many of us are orphaned children while we are growing up, be it physically or emotionally. So the initiation process never gets started.
In the boyhood stage, the son needs to know that he is the beloved child, the apple of his father's eyes.. The whole world that he lives in is created under the sheltering strength of his father, under which he feels safe.
Safe in his father's arms - that is what it feels like to be the beloved son. This safety is important so that a boy can truly be a boy - with a heart that longs for adventures (for me, catching grasshoppers and ladybirds in Membina Primary school's soccer field) and power (toy guns, playing masak of soldiers).
But more often than not, we are wounded when our fathers are not there for us at this stage, not there to affirm us that we are his beloved son. No true confidence. It is tragic but common. The world without the affirmation of a father is a dangerous world for the boy.
Sometimes, I wished my Dad could father me the way John's did for him. Im sure my Dad loves me and did what he could. But if he is still alive, I would love for him to read this post with me. And I will make sure my son makes a list for me too in the future, just so I can provide an environment that is safe for him to dream dreams and live like a boy is meant to be.
How would I, Chit, loved to be fathered when i am growing up?
I want my Dad to...
1) drive me to and from school so I dont have to take a bus
2) be excited and give me a bearhug when he sees me home from school
3) assure me that he will defend me next time the school bully roughs me up
4) assure me that it is okay to make mistakes when i got into trouble in school
5) tell me he is very proud of me when i come home with my sports meet medals, that i am the best athlete ever
6) be beside me when i grew a beard and have to shave for the first time
7) teach me the proper way to treat girls, so i dont have to buy Teenage magazines or figure it out from the movies
8) And I want him to give me some dating tips from his courtship days with mum
9) teach me how to read a map, to drive a car, to use a powertool (safely), and tell me it is alright when I cant do it for the first attempt
10) take me along for his business trips. I want to sit beside him on the plane to it-doesnt-matter-where. I want to sit beside him during his business meetings, to see him in action.
11) teach me how to swing a bat, kick a ball, whatever. Doesnt matter if he has no flair for sports. I want him to be my first coach.
12) bring me out for dinner to celebrate, when i come home with the cross country trophy.
13) be there when i was devasted from my first break-up. Doesnt have to say anything. Just be there with an arm ard me as i cry.
14) buy me toys - guns, swords, games, whatever the kids in school have . Or, if he couldnt, tell me he will work very hard because he loves me.
And i want to Dad to show me what it means to put the family first - by making sacrifices. To teach me, through word and deed, that while none of us can be perfect, love is a choice and a commitment, and that commitment sometimes require sacrifices.
In the boyhood stage, the son needs to know that he is the beloved child, the apple of his father's eyes.. The whole world that he lives in is created under the sheltering strength of his father, under which he feels safe.
Safe in his father's arms - that is what it feels like to be the beloved son. This safety is important so that a boy can truly be a boy - with a heart that longs for adventures (for me, catching grasshoppers and ladybirds in Membina Primary school's soccer field) and power (toy guns, playing masak of soldiers).
But more often than not, we are wounded when our fathers are not there for us at this stage, not there to affirm us that we are his beloved son. No true confidence. It is tragic but common. The world without the affirmation of a father is a dangerous world for the boy.
Sometimes, I wished my Dad could father me the way John's did for him. Im sure my Dad loves me and did what he could. But if he is still alive, I would love for him to read this post with me. And I will make sure my son makes a list for me too in the future, just so I can provide an environment that is safe for him to dream dreams and live like a boy is meant to be.
How would I, Chit, loved to be fathered when i am growing up?
I want my Dad to...
1) drive me to and from school so I dont have to take a bus
2) be excited and give me a bearhug when he sees me home from school
3) assure me that he will defend me next time the school bully roughs me up
4) assure me that it is okay to make mistakes when i got into trouble in school
5) tell me he is very proud of me when i come home with my sports meet medals, that i am the best athlete ever
6) be beside me when i grew a beard and have to shave for the first time
7) teach me the proper way to treat girls, so i dont have to buy Teenage magazines or figure it out from the movies
8) And I want him to give me some dating tips from his courtship days with mum
9) teach me how to read a map, to drive a car, to use a powertool (safely), and tell me it is alright when I cant do it for the first attempt
10) take me along for his business trips. I want to sit beside him on the plane to it-doesnt-matter-where. I want to sit beside him during his business meetings, to see him in action.
11) teach me how to swing a bat, kick a ball, whatever. Doesnt matter if he has no flair for sports. I want him to be my first coach.
12) bring me out for dinner to celebrate, when i come home with the cross country trophy.
13) be there when i was devasted from my first break-up. Doesnt have to say anything. Just be there with an arm ard me as i cry.
14) buy me toys - guns, swords, games, whatever the kids in school have . Or, if he couldnt, tell me he will work very hard because he loves me.
And i want to Dad to show me what it means to put the family first - by making sacrifices. To teach me, through word and deed, that while none of us can be perfect, love is a choice and a commitment, and that commitment sometimes require sacrifices.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Greetings from NJ!
The CIEE blog lives here: http://www.ciee.org/wat/blogs Hope i will get down to writing something
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