What she longs for is what you are meant to become

We brothers planned a Sisters' Night this week, and boy, what a wonderful time it was. I saw how the team of us came together with one heart to be a blessing to a few we felt were deserving of our time, finances and effort. I saw how truly blessed and appreciated the sisters were, and that in turn made our night. Receiving the appreciative smses and fb posts thereafter, we immediately forget the tiredness or whatever sacrifices we may have made. It was well worth it.

Yet, what makes the sisters feel so loved and appreciated? All we had were a roundtable of less than fantastic food, two out-of-place muscians at Raffles hotel and a public display of affection, haha. Honestly, we guys surely felt we could have done better, planned something more romantic etc.

Could it be that they felt the collective effort to be a blessing to them, the care and concern that is not self-seeking or chauvinistic in nature? Or could it be that, through the small acts of love, they saw a glimspe of how their romance story will pan out? Afterall, every little girl dreams of the day her prince will come, right? Look at the movies women love - the hero is a romancer. He pursues her, wins her heart, takes her into a great adventurer and love story.

What she longs for is what we are meant to become. And we are meant to be boys affirmed by God's love, cowboys with a sense of adventure, warriors with battles worth fighting for, kings to govern in authority, and sages to mentor others.

Masculinity is an initiation and also a process. Edwin Louis Cole said, "Male by birth, Man by choice". It takes hard work and time to become a true man. Is it really worth it?

Looking at their faces on Sisters' Night, the answer is obvious!

Prayer

Lord, grant me grace to trust that you hold my world in the palm of your hands, when in my human weakness I see not your workings in my life.

Of expressing self

I realized it is possible for one to be adept at speaking to a crowd, yet cannot express himself emotionally to a loved one or friend.

Bringing the Question to a woman

The Question being, "Do I have what it takes? And by bringing it to a woman, it meant finding validation from her.

How many of us guys can relate to that? We seek to find affirmation from a woman that our fathers were meant to bestow. We fall in love and the romance blossoms, and for a while the world becomes a better place and the sky is the limit. But then things fade, and both the man and the woman wonder why.

"The reason is that he stopped the progression, never went on to know God as Lover. No woman can satisfy this longing in a man's heart, and no good woman wants to try. When he makes her the centre of his universe, it feels romantic for a while, but then the planets starts to collide. It's not a big enough romance. He will find his heart awakening again when he opens his heart to God, and though he might have to journey there for a season, he'll find he has something to offer his woman again." - John Eldredge, Fathered by God(2009)

We are, as the author puts it, "wounded lovers". How can we freely and strongly offer love when we are desperate and frightened in a search for love?

Brothers, we cant. Not until we are healed anyway.

And shortcuts will only serve to lengthen the process. With regards to healings and character there are no quick-fixes. Blaming circumstances is a quick-fix. Swearing ignorance is a quick-fix. The beauty on the screen is a quick-fix. For while she seems enticing, partly because it makes us feel like a man, it is a counterfeit.

Memoirs of a cadet

Found my journal book from OCS, have quite a few nice entries, haha.

Front page, undated:
To me, to be an officer in the SAF means...
1) to be in a position of influence
2) to be a leader/fisher of men
3) to be a man of godly values and be able to pass them on

22-06-05, 2010hrs, Wed:
Hey, today finally have some admin time. We are required to keep a journal for our reflections of the day, which is great man! Now I can have time to write to you (God), and its part of army! Thank you man. These 3 days are alright, very hectic, always rushing for the next programme, but so far still managable la. The tower run is cool, got to see the industrial area, the residential area and the forest. Our "playground". The rationale behind the 3 edge SAFTI tower was firstly to represent the 3 services of SAF: navy, army and airforce. Secondly, the residential and industrial areas are livelihood of Singapore, so we need to train hard in the forest in order to protect those places. Haha, the latter reason is quite funny, but help me internalize it. Take away my skepticism and unwillingness...

30-06-05, 1032 hrs, Thu:
Finally! Field camp is over! Though it is only a mere 2 day 1 night outfield, it sure seems like an eternity. Learnt and did navigation exercises, did some SIT test stuff, more navigation... Was so tiring by then, I just dropped everything on the floor and lie down for a good 5 mins. At least we had a sumptuous dinner, with ice milo! (What? Ice milo? Sumptuous?!) For method of instruction, I talked about sailing. It came off quite well, thank you. But I suppose if Im asked to give an impromptu speech, ill still not be competent. Help me with that.
Today drawing spare arms. Im rather fearful to be in armskote, doing duty. Fearful of making stupid mistakes and signing extras. Fearful of losing a weapon. But i know it is your plan, cos so "suai", I dont want to, but still got it in the end.
Called Mum just now. She said she is not feeling well. Then didnt see doctor cos dont have money. Haiz, help her out. Grant her a speedy recovery.

04-07-05, 1015hrs, Mon:
Today we had initiation, with our lanyard being taken off. It marks the time when our real OCS training starts. The two bar rank was presented to us, and now we must act with more responsibility. Today during the tekan session, I realized my arm strength is far too weak, cos Im not able to hold my SBO at 90 degrees. It also happened during field camp when im supposed to put my full pack over head. So to build myself up stronger, I plan to hold my SBO/full pack every night before sleeping, maybe for 2 mins (there was a 5 beside it being crossed out; the 2 was put in after an honest assessment of my own ability).

13-07-05, 0815hrs, Wed:
Tried to pray just now, but again, dozed off many times. Sometimes really dont know what to say to you anymore..

20-07-05, 0701hrs, Wed:
Just now, realized i need to do regimental duty again, cos of the small wing strength. Drew lots: i got Sat CDO. In a way thankful, cos means i can at least go church.
Failed SOC today. Cant do swing trainer, low rope and struggle through the parallel bars too. I clocked 16 mins (What?!). Very down, depressed and disappointed. Its like im not performing for the entire course right from day 1. Not onlx do I flunk almost every written test (and MRPT too), my supposedly strength, my fitness, also let me down. What's happening now? I may not be super motivated or siao on in this place, but i can definitely say im not a slacker. Im like the worse around here, and Im infamous already (i cant remember why i wrote the last part though).

02-08-05, 1259hrs, Tues:
....
Really happy that Bing crossed over. Now we can talk together, and i suppose we can be a source of strength for one another. Help him to adapt to life here Lord...

13-08-05, 1720hrs, Sat:
Also dont know what to write. Seems to have alot of stuff in mind, but not sure how to put into words. Always cant wait to book out, but once outside, like at a lost. Want to have fun, companionship, go chill out with friends la, but at the same time, also know that deep down these things doesnt satisfy..

29-08-05, 0837hrs, Mon:
Tomorrow. Ex Spade. 3 days. 2 nights. When i wake up today..(followed by a string of sentences that doesnt make sense. I guess i fell back to sleep)

Things worth fighting for

Today I finally got to watch 叶问2：宗师传奇 after hearing some good reviews and jokes (specifically, how to pronounce the title). It was interesting in that it elicited similar responses from my Mum and me alike, especially feelings of injustice when Twister punch 叶问 after the bell has sounded (Mum: 哇那个洋鬼子玩臭！ Me:Wa lao, you idiot!).

I like the movie because I can identity some themes with John Elderedge's Fathered by God - the Warrior. In the book JE talked about how every male has a warrior heart, because God is a warrior God. The reason for the warrior? Because there are certain things worth fighting for. A marriage, or the institution of marriage as a whole. Children, whether they are yours or not. Our doctors fight for the lives of their patients, teachers the hearts of our future leaders. Some people believe the earth is worth fighting for. For 叶问 and 洪师父, it is their culture's integrity. For Sam, Frodo and Legolas, the fate of Middle Earth.

Me? I think I want to fight to protect and provide for my family, fight to guard the purity of my heart, fight for young men's destiny, fight for a lady's heart.

Men are all called to be warriors. So, what's the heart of a warrior like? "The warrior nature is fierce and brave, ready to confront evil, ready to go into battle. This is a time for a young man to stop saying, 'Why is life so hard?' He takes the hardness as the call to fight, to rise up, to take it on." - Fathered by God, John Eldredge (2009)

This sounds like OCS training all over again! But nah, its more than about joining the army and roughing it out. It's not just about the brawns, though it will surely help (Did i just hear the ladies heave a sigh of relief?). No, i think it is the ability to withstand hardship, to have self discipline, to go on roads less travelled, to defend those you love and the convictions you hold, not because it is macho, but just cos we are men , and that's what men do.

Another theme is that the passivity of men (as in males) has dire consequences. In the movie, 洪师父 and Fatso were collectors (albiet reluctantly) for the martial arts schools as part of a protection racket headed by Superintendent Wallace, a corrupt officer in the Hong Kong police. Even when the latter refuse to honor his word and threatens to stop 洪's and his disciples' fishing business, 洪 did not respond to the injustice.

Remember The Two Towers and the reluctance of Theoden king of Rohan to fight? "I will not risk open war", he said. Remember the Israelites refusal to fight to enter into the Promised Land after leaving Egypt, and ended up wandering for 40 years? Passivity.

What is it with us men, that refuses to fight back when there is an obvious battle? What is it with me, when I refuse to discuss and address my mother's fears when she brings me the utilities bill? What is it with me, when I dodged conflict by feigning ignorance? What is it with me that rather go jogging then engaging family members when they obviously had a hard day at work?

Passivity!

May every man recognizes that there are battles waiting to be fought. That we will not allow the bad habit of passivity to take root. I refuse, for I know there are many things worth my fighting for.

And perhaps, somewhere out there, there is a beauty waiting to be rescued, her heart to be won over.

美国之旅的感想

有些感想用英语无法表达，今天就尝试用华语博客吧。

转眼三个月就过去了，我的美国之旅也快结束了。

所发生的一切，所见到的事物，心里所体会到的，也无法一言一语可以表达。

有时候觉得自己很勇敢，一个人漂洋过海，离开家人的呵护和朋友的鼓励，想看看自己究竟是什么料。但也有好几个夜晚觉得自己很愚蠢，尤其在这里遇到不开心的时候。看到好友在Facebook的最新信息，知道神在如何使用他们，为他们高兴，也为自己觉得气馁。我自问在美国究竟学到了什么。最多也不是学会卖SixFlags商品，做几道菜，认识新朋友，也没什么大不了。

David the shepherd boy 的故事是神在鼓励我吗？ 还是自己的positive thinking?

天啊，用华语很慢啊，还是不写了。

Of adventure

I read that the next phase of the journey to true masculinity is the cowboy stage, the age where we yearn for real adventure. It is the time when something inside tell us that we need to prove ourselves, need to be tested. It can be driving a car, fixing things around the house, going on a roadtrip.

The Question of a man;s soul begins to present itself in everything the boy-becoming-a-young-man does: Do I have what it takes? (Fathered by God by John Eldredge, 2009)

"Taking to the Road" often play a big part of this cowboy stage, not unlike the hobbits in The Fellowship of the Ring. I understood that the power of experience plays an important part at this stage of the young man's life. It is one thing to be told you have what it takes (as in the boyhood stage where he feels affirmed and loved), it's another thing altogether to actually discover that you do, though some trial brought up in an adventure, or through some test that hard work demands.

The cowboy heart is wounded or undeveloped if he
1) is not allowed to have adventure (e.g. overly protective family)
2) no one to take him there (e.g. absent father)
3) is given overwhelming work unfit for the heart of a boy (e.g. demanding father)
4) repeatedly fails, and there's no one to interpret his failures with him (e.g. absent father)

Also, the time of the cowboy is not merely one of unending adventure. It has to be balanced with a context and hard work. Many fatherless young men find life in some adventure like kayaking or skating - and stay there and make it their world. They are modern-day Peter-Pans, refusing to grow up as men. On the surface, they seem alive and free. Beneath, they are uncertain and ungrounded. And they have broken the hearts of many young women who loved the adventurer, and didnt understand why they wouldnt go on to become the warrior and lover and the king.


After reading about the above, I think I could make much more sense of my stubborn desire to come to USA.

Do I have what it takes? That's the question I probably want answered. Growing up for the most part in a single-parent family (emotionally), I got plenty of love, concern and shelter from Mum. That probably explains my lack of culinary skills! Dont get me wrong, Mum did great. I appreciate everything she did for me. But Mums' nature is mercy, but a boy needs to learn to face danger.

Do I have what it takes? It's a father's job to help the boy get an answer. The father is supposed to provide initiation by arranging for moments - through hard work and adventure - when the Question is on the line, and in those moments helps the young man hit it right out of the park.

I mentioned that this stage may be short-circuited when there is no man, no father to take him to the adventure. While many men missed this cowboy stage, and not many boys are guided through it, I took comfort that we can go back and pick up where we were left off intentionally.

Honestly, I felt much more at ease with myself for this US trip after understanding more about this phase in a man's life. For various reasons, guilt and self-doubt plagued me over the past year. But perhaps, this is God initiating me. It is heartening to know that God is still working in your life when you feel your mistakes and failures have distanced Him from you.

For this and so much more that my words are inadequate to express, Lord, thank you.

Surely life isnt meant to be figured out on our own

Had a talk with one of my Singapore friends E over here.

The conversation inevitably gravitated to our family and we realized we had more in common than it seems. In our time in Atlantic City casino I have learnt that E came from a single-parent family. His Dad had chalked up and left the family a sizable debt from gambling. He said he had to face debtors ("Dai-yi-long" in Cantonese terms) knocking on his doors at a young age of 13. His younger sister is at home with him then while his Mum is out at work.

Im sure he is not alone. Many, too many, I know have a tough childhood story. Stuff that happen to us that no kid should be allowed to go through. Stuff that rob us of our childhood, stuff that force young boys to grow up way too quickly. E didnt say it, but as tears welled up in his eyes, I reckon he must have wished there's someone to father him. Someone to protect his mum and sister and him. Someone to show him the way so he didnt have to figure life out on his own.

I told him my story and that I felt for him. On hindsight, I wanted to tell him that surely this isnt how it should be. I wanted to tell him while we may not have a earthly father, there's one in heaven that can and will look out for us. I pray for another opportunity to talk again before we move on with our lives.

And in our short conversation, we talked about how our Mums work hard to support our family. We talked about how we want to bring our Mums to Europe and Taiwan respectively when we graduate and have a job and money. We talked about how important having money for our family in the future is for us, that sometimes those ard us in better situations dont always understand what that means. We talked about the importance of thrift and sacrifice, not having things our peers may have while growing up. We talked about how in the future we must reciprocate those who took care and love us when our families were in the doldrums.

And we talked about how we need not pity ourselves or feel down and out. That tough times does make tough men (and I humbly hope we are in that category). That the lessons we learn from the school of hard knocks are lessons money cant buy nor our professors can teach.

Cheers E!

How would I want to be fathered

Reading Fathered by God by John Eldredge (courtesy of Bing and Daphne). The book talked about the initiation into manhood comes in phases - boyhood, cowboy, warrior, lover, king, and finally sage. Each phase is important, but none as crucial as the boyhood stage. Because many of us are orphaned children while we are growing up, be it physically or emotionally. So the initiation process never gets started.

In the boyhood stage, the son needs to know that he is the beloved child, the apple of his father's eyes.. The whole world that he lives in is created under the sheltering strength of his father, under which he feels safe.

Safe in his father's arms - that is what it feels like to be the beloved son. This safety is important so that a boy can truly be a boy - with a heart that longs for adventures (for me, catching grasshoppers and ladybirds in Membina Primary school's soccer field) and power (toy guns, playing masak of soldiers).

But more often than not, we are wounded when our fathers are not there for us at this stage, not there to affirm us that we are his beloved son. No true confidence. It is tragic but common. The world without the affirmation of a father is a dangerous world for the boy.

Sometimes, I wished my Dad could father me the way John's did for him. Im sure my Dad loves me and did what he could. But if he is still alive, I would love for him to read this post with me. And I will make sure my son makes a list for me too in the future, just so I can provide an environment that is safe for him to dream dreams and live like a boy is meant to be.

How would I, Chit, loved to be fathered when i am growing up?
I want my Dad to...
1) drive me to and from school so I dont have to take a bus
2) be excited and give me a bearhug when he sees me home from school
3) assure me that he will defend me next time the school bully roughs me up
4) assure me that it is okay to make mistakes when i got into trouble in school
5) tell me he is very proud of me when i come home with my sports meet medals, that i am the best athlete ever
6) be beside me when i grew a beard and have to shave for the first time
7) teach me the proper way to treat girls, so i dont have to buy Teenage magazines or figure it out from the movies
8) And I want him to give me some dating tips from his courtship days with mum
9) teach me how to read a map, to drive a car, to use a powertool (safely), and tell me it is alright when I cant do it for the first attempt
10) take me along for his business trips. I want to sit beside him on the plane to it-doesnt-matter-where. I want to sit beside him during his business meetings, to see him in action.
11) teach me how to swing a bat, kick a ball, whatever. Doesnt matter if he has no flair for sports. I want him to be my first coach.
12) bring me out for dinner to celebrate, when i come home with the cross country trophy.
13) be there when i was devasted from my first break-up. Doesnt have to say anything. Just be there with an arm ard me as i cry.
14) buy me toys - guns, swords, games, whatever the kids in school have . Or, if he couldnt, tell me he will work very hard because he loves me.

And i want to Dad to show me what it means to put the family first - by making sacrifices. To teach me, through word and deed, that while none of us can be perfect, love is a choice and a commitment, and that commitment sometimes require sacrifices.

Greetings from NJ!

The CIEE blog lives here: http://www.ciee.org/wat/blogs Hope i will get down to writing something

Who shall deliver me?

God strengthen me to bear myself;
That heaviest weight of all to bear,
Inalienable weight of care.
All others are outside myself;
I lock my door and bar them out
The turmoil, tedium, gad-about.

I lock my door upon myself,
And bar them out; but who shall wall
Self from myself, most loathed of all?

If I could once lay down myself,
And start self-purged upon the race
That all must run ! Death runs apace.

If I could set aside myself,
And start with lightened heart upon
The road by all men overgone!

God harden me against myself,
This coward with pathetic voice
Who craves for ease and rest and joys

Myself, arch-traitor to myself;
My hollowest friend, my deadliest foe,
My clog whatever road I go.

Yet One there is can curb myself,
Can roll the strangling load from me
Break off the yoke and set me free.

- Christina Georgina Rossetti

Of family

Of my family, to be exact. Thought of them as I was looking at my paycheck for the week.

I thought of Mum.

As the eldest of 8 siblings (during the times when family planning is unheard of), the family looked up to her to bring in the money. Mum has to grow up fast i suppose. She came out of Fairfield Girls School as a teenager and start taking on jobs. What kind of jobs? All kinds. Mum told me she started going to the lonkangs to pluck(is this the right word?) kankongs. She helps out in the market washing veggies. In the prime of her youth, I think she worked mostly in the food and beverages industry. I suspect she picked up her good culinary skills from there.

Mum knows nothing about dollar-cost averaging or picking blue chip stocks, but she has enough wisdom to know that it is crucial for her 3 children to have a good education, so that they can have the kind of life she never knew. And she will keep on working until this vision comes to pass. At the age of 65 today, she is still working, as a cleaner near home. Mum is a resilent woman, and for that and so much more, I love her.

I thought of Sis.

Sis comes off as petite and mild-mannered. She is the kind of woman that will fade away in a crowd. While she is obviously not as old as Mum (still 27 and available, hee), she also graduated from the school of hard knocks i suppose. University was a struggle for Sis, and the working world has proven to be a challenge as well. But guess what, Sis is special in our family. I recalled how she took care of me and Bro when we were young and our parents were working in Malaysia. We used to hate her for scolding and discipling us, but we know she loves us. She was like a mini-mum in primary school, getting us to bed at 10pm, waking us up, fetching us from school etc.

Sis is not the most financially-savvy person you will meet, but she knows enough. She understands the importance of being debt-free, especially for our family. However difficult work was, she grinded through and paid off her education loan in less than 2 years. I think Sis is a resilent woman as well.

And I thought of Bro.

Bro is your typical high-achiever guy. He is athletic, strong and competitive, yet with a certain charisma that draws people to him. It doesnt harm that he is good-looking as well. Unlike the ladies of the house, i think Bro is a smart rather than hard worker. I grew up wanting to be just like Bro. You know, the younger sibling syndrome sort of thing. I recalled certain tough moments in his life: a close shave with death, big family fight, big physical fight with yours truly, huge break-up etc. But he always came out stronger. Perhaps more skeptical about ideals and dreams, but he lost none of his fight.
Bro also have to sacrifice to make ends meet for the famly. He contemplated signing on the army to help out with the bills. Eventually he took on a phyisio scholarship though it was not exactly his passion then. Knowing how difficult it can be to work and study at the same time, he will always ask me if i needed money. Even now in Australia alone, he still ask the same thing once in a while.

Then I thought of Dad.

I have faint memories of Dad. His bankruptcy meant he can only stay in Malaysia for the most part of my life. We used to visit Dad during summer vacations, but finances and the soaring air ticket prices meant we rarely meet since my JC years. My last few conversations with Dad was mostly over the phone. Dad had a industrial accident few years back and passed away. I miss Dad.

I guess you can always associate the Chee family with finances in one way or another.It has been always a struggle for myself to see God as a providing father coming from such a background. Since young, I have always provided for myself in that sense. Working odd-jobs since secondary school has been a way of life (recently upgraded to Work and Travel USA, haha). Sometimes it is difficult to believe God for manna and quail when i am instinctively conditioned to find them myself.

But yes He can!

God, remind me not to strive when I feel that I am in lack. Remind me of your provision, that I have all of your inheritance. I am a heir of God and co-heir with Christ!

God pushes you toward a deeper faith - Daily Hope with Rick Warren May 27, 2010

In order to build your faith, God will give you a dream; then he'll urge you to make a decision; but then he'll allow a delay, because in the delay he matures you and prepares you for what is to come.

The truth is you'll have difficulties while God delays. This isn't because he doesn't care about you or that he's forgotten your circumstances; rather, it's one of the ways he pushes you toward the deep end of faith.

As God delays, you'll face two types of difficulties: Circumstances and Critics. This is a natural part of life. God designed it this way because he knows we grow stronger when facing adversity and opposition.

When Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt into the desert toward the Promised Land, he had one problem after another. First there was no water. Then there was no food. Then there were a bunch of complainers. Then there were poisonous snakes. Moses was doing what God wanted him to do, but he still had problems.

David was anointed king, and then for the next several years he was hunted down by Saul. Joseph had a dream of becoming a ruler, yet he was sold into slavery and thrown into prison on a false charge where he languished, forgotten. Imagine the difficulties Noah had building a floating zoo!

The Bible says that when Moses died, Joshua was appointed the new leader. Moses led the people across the desert and then Joshua led them into the Promised Land. Did he get the easy part? The Bible says that when the Israelites entered the Promised Land there were giants in the land. Even in the Promised Land there were problems!

God does this because he is building our faith and character. When we finally come to a place where the difficulties become so bad, where we've reached our limit, where we've tried everything and exhausted all our options, it is then that God begins a mighty work through us:

". . . I know, even though you are temporarily harassed by all kinds of trials and temptations. This is no accident—it happens to prove your faith, which is infinitely more valuable, than gold . . . ." (1 Peter 1:6-7 PH)

When common topics cease to mask the difference in convictions
When self discipline and will can only bring you so far
When the tyre hits the road,
let God's mighty work begin!

David - a man's man

Notwithstanding King David's short-comings, I have been truly inspired by his character in the first book of Samuel. Here was a man who was faithful and contented with what God has given him(tending sheep), muscially inclined (plays harp to relieve Saul's evil spirit), brave (sling and stones to fight Goliath, armour not needed), humble (he did not throw his weight around even when he knows he is Israel's next king), understands and honors authority (he rebuked his men when they wanted to ambush Saul).

A man's man indeed! So much we can learn from him! And i can see indeed why God calls him a man after his own heart!

In Chapter 23, David saves Keliah from the hands of the Philistines, while being pursued by Saul! He fought God's battles, in spite of his personal distress. And his reward for saving Keliah? Nope, no celebrations or that kinda stuff. The bible said Saul found out that David was in Keliah and the former called out all his forces to besiege David. Fighting for God did not seem to alleviate David's difficult circumstances, but he fought them anyway. What an inspiration.

I also see how God raise David up and made him a leader in the most unlikely circumstances. In chapter 22:2, it says "All those who were in debt or discontented gathered around him, and he became their leader. About 400 men were with him".

God can raise a man up no matter his cicumstances.

Random reflections

It's been a week, I wouldnt say time flies because it seems like I've been here a long time. Notwithstanding the cold, I adapted pretty quickly.

I gonna be honest, it's difficult to maintain a desire for God without godly fellowship. Other than the small promptings of the Holy Spirit, you dont really know whether you are doing and thinking the right things most of the time. It is easy to become negative. I must constantly arrest such thoughts and meditate on God's Word. Yesterday it was about Col 3:22, about serving God and not men, that this is not my home so i shldnt get too comfy and all, that this is a temporary assignment for my life, that im here to train my character more than experiencing life.

Our varsity students shared that they sometimes struggle to maintain a desire for God when they go home for the summer. I can understand a little better what they meant now. But it is not impossible.

The job here is pretty mundane. Im not complaining because this is what i signed up for, so its cool. Yesterday, together with 2 Brazilians and 2 Thais, we spent the day just cleaning up a store, stocking, hanging up clothes. To Singaporeans, this USA work and travel program is perhaps like a grad trip. Not so with my friends from Brazil. They are university students like me. But this is like a job/career to them. Some of them are here for the third season already. They are really here to earn a living; it pays 2 times better here than in Brazil. In USA, if they work hard enough, they get a pretty decent life.

I took a picture with a Lucas look-alike. Jeremy and Binghan, Ill show you the photo soon!

On a side-note, Chit is proud of himself yesterday. He cooked lunch and dinner all by himself. Lunch = fried cheese egg + boiled diced chicken + instant noodles. Dinner = fried rice. My roommate say the fried rice tasted great!

Okay i admit i cheated: I used pre-packed seasonings for the fried rice. But hey it is quite an achievement still k!

Also, yesterday, one of the Brazilians in the apartment confronted me. I lowered the volume of his metal-rock music when i came home while he was on the phone. He shouted, "Hey take it easy man, everyone needs their own space. Take it easy man..you not happy you go into your room..etc". No im not intimidated, although he always say he is the evil one and do all sorts of satanic things. I honestly find him quite harmless. I thank God for the confidence to stand up to him and talk. Cool stuff God is doing here.

What an utterly random post!

wisdom needed

The fear of God is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline. Proverbs 1:7

Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse, who leave the straight paths to walk in dark ways, who delight in doing wrong and rejoice in the perverseness of evil. Proverbs 2:12-14

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:4-6


Dear God,

I read Proverbs for devotion yesterday and how apt!

I need your wisdom to make decisions. That unlike utilitarianism, you do not accept that the ends justify the means.
Sometimes I get too clever for my own good.

Help me continue to do good, to love and be faithful even when I dont feel like it, like yesterday. I have to connect with people and stop being inward looking.
Sometimes I just want to be comfortable.

Remind me that favor and a good name, is always in the sight of God first, not men.
Sometimes I forget the difference.

Give me wisdom when interacting with people, that mutual acceptance and cultural differences are not excuses for sin and perversion.
Sometimes i get too pragmatic.

Dear all,
i can't think of a fancy way to start, so ill just write what comes to my mind. It is 430m in Jackson, New Jersey. I touched down in New York after a gruelling 20+ hour flight, slept over in airport for 8 hours, and took a coach for 3 hrs before reaching this place. I just woke up, obviously still trying to adjust to the new timezone. I saw ice (or snow?) mountains for the first time while transiting on Alaska. I underpacked my luggage, not knowing it is still spring over here for another 2 weeks/ The chilling winds is a big challenge to adjust to, with temperatures of 10 degrees. I didnt insist on staying together with my singaporean friends in this hostel, so the supervisor placed me alone in an apartment with 3 Brazilians. I have mixed feelings. On one hand, I could connect with them v well, and because they are supervisors, I can get to use the internet and transport out (i am the only one who went out to eat and buy necessities without having to pay). On another hand, Brazilians are, for lack of a better word, liberal. Can i say they are very open about their sexuality? I really have to guard my heart and not be influenced by what they indulge in.

I think I will be more fearful had not God spoke to me while doing devotion at the airport about 1 John 2:15-17

¹⁵Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. ¹⁶For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. ¹⁷The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.

God told me to guard asking my sinful desires, the lust of my eyes and pride. I told God I will be serious with him in this next 3 months. God is serious with you when you are serious with Him. I am excited!

God is real to me now in the sense that most of my prayers are coming true. I told God i wanted to see how i survive without a structure or the comforts of home and friends, and what choices I make. It is REALLY all about choices now. I can choose to post this, or do something else with this laptop, and no one knows or can do anything about it. I can choose to just go with the crowd and make some popular decisions. I can choose to go easy with myself and justify it.

How else can i end this but by saying i miss you guys. There were some moments when i wish i am back home. But hey im here and i must make the best out of it, be it in building intimacy with God or understanding other cultures. Ill appreciate if you guys can pray for me especially in the above aspect of temptations.

You are in my thoughts as much as I am in yours.

Love,
Chit

Of temptations 2

I met up with 2 of my OCS bunkmates this week. We had a nice time catching up for the first time in three years. One got married after ten years of courtship, the other just broke up with his girlfriend of five years.

And so, apart from the usual recounting and laughing of our army foul-ups, it was also an interesting session of BGRs. A (broke-up) shared about his silly actions that led to the demise of the relationship. B (married) gave some very warped advice about relationships to A. C (me) had nothing much to contribute for this topic and just listened for the most part of the conversation.
Good memories in FIBUA

I like my friends; we went through thick and thin together for 9 months and seen the ugliest sides of one another in the jungles of Brunei and Thailand. But I dont like where the conversation was heading. My strong headed friend A didnt see how much he has hurt his ex, while my street wise friend B gave some tips on how not to be found out next time.


When A stopped talking and B was distracted by a call, I guess it was time to give my input. I told him it is a good start to feel some remorse over what happened, but that he must be clear what are the areas of his character he needs to work on now, instead of believing the "让时间冲淡一切” advice. If he doesnt change, he will hurt someone again, if not his ex, then another girl. It is abit hard to tell him his heart is deceitful and he shouldnt be so surprised that he screwed up, so i left it as that.

I know A's ex. She's a nice person. I hope they patched back. But i also hope A humbles himself and repent (okay, maybe change is a better word) before he seeks reconciliation。

Jiayou！

Of temptations

I find great inertia in writing this entry. Because I doubt i have internalized what i know about overcoming temptations from the bible.

We all understand that temptation is not only sexual in nature, but can be over morals, values and integrity. Some of us prefer to take the easy way out of tough situations instead of persevering. Lot’s wife was tempted by her past lifestyle. I have friends who give in to the temptations of comfort eating or shopping when the going gets tough.

The bible has much to say about temptations: it warns against complacency (So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! 1 Cor 10:12), to flee from them (Flee from sexual immorality 1 Cor 6:18), to fight them (Resist the devil, and he will flee form you James 4:7b), that Jesus can help us (Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted Hebrews 2:18), and who can forget how our Lord kicked Satan's butt by overcoming temptations (Luke 4:1-13).

Yet, sometimes i still find myself as much a novice in overcoming temptations as when i first know the Lord. Does that mean God's word has no power? Surely not. The bible says God's word will not return void (Isa 55:11) and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness (2 Tim 3:16).

So, with a tinge of frustration i asked, "what's the matter man?!" I think we can attribute it to 2 persons.

1) Chit
With the benefit of time, I have got to know him so much better. He takes on many appearances, but mostly as a gentle whisper. His usual one-liner goes something like this: Hey take it easy and not be too hard on yourself man. After all, to err is divine right? For lack of a better word, chitman contributes a large part to me giving in to temptations. He is the fleshy man in each of us.

I like to pray this prayer nowadays:

"Lord, harden me against myself,
The coward with the pathetic voice
Who craves for ease and joy and rest
Myself, arch-traitor to myself
My hollowest friend,
My deadliest foe,
My clog, whatever road I go."

2) Satan
The bible has many things to say about this kid, but ill leave it for another day. In a nutshell, he wars against us, accuses us and plans full-time to bring us down. He also operates in a gentle voice sometimes, but his influence is all over this fallen world.

How nice it will be if i can end this post by declaring that i have fully overcome temptations in my life and share with you the methods. But i have not. All i know is that we are more than conquerors in Christ and nothing can separate us from his love.

I also know God has given us weapons though (woo, like CounterStrike like that):

"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds." 2 Cor 10:3-4

"Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit in all occasions wth all kinds of prayers and requests."
Eph 6:14-18a

Take heart, my friends!

Of loneliness

I gonna be honest - i have a fear of loneliness.



I used to watch the Home Alone movies during Christmas. I enjoyed watching young Macaulay Culkin, left stranded in New York city, battle it out with the bad guys. I don't recall him fearing because he is all alone. I am not as brave as him.

Ever since a bad experience 3 years back in Malaysia, I fear being put in a vulnerable spot. It never fails to trigger the same emotions of helplessness in me.

Perhaps loneliness is an universal fear. Even the most successful man can experience loneliness, maybe even more. We read daily celebrities being hooked on drugs, sex and alcohol. No success or popularity can buy you satisfaction of the soul. It is no good being whole on the outside when you are broken on the inside.

What is the result of loneliness? Loneliness drives people to find something/someone to fill the need. Regrettably after the Fall, we try to fill this need in all the wrong places. Loneliness has caused me to do all sorts of silly things, and to hurt those I love too.

Is loneliness such a bad thing then? Not quite. A W Tozer said, "Most of the world's greatest souls have been lonely." I humbly assume that the statement is valid only on the premise that loneliness drives them to the right source, the perfect source that drives out all fear.

Do you (I am making a big assumption someone reads my blog, haha) have a similar fear of loneliness? I think honest acknowledgment is the first step. Being in denial, based on personal experience, only serve to snowball the implications. Don't try to paper over the cracks or put up a facade (reminder to self). By posting this entry, I am taking the first step to being healed. Somehow, i feel a certain heaviness lifted in my heart. It is not so fearful to be honest after all.

On a side note, I have to find true courage soon. I am going to New York city in couple of weeks. Haha!

Jacob was left alone

There is peculiar force in the words, “Jacob was left alone.” Thus it is with all who have been trained in the school of God; they have been brought into the stillness and solitude of the Divine presence, there to view themselves and their ways, where alone they can be rightly viewed. Had Jacob continued amidst the bleating of the sheep, and the lowering of the oxen, he could not by any means have enjoyed the same calm and sober view of himself and his past course, as he was led to in the secret of the presence of God. There is no part of a man’s history so important as when he is thus led into the solitude of the Divine presence; it is there he understands things which were before dark and inexplicable. There, he can judge of himself, and see its proper nothingness and vileness.

Jacob was let into the secret of human weakness, and therefore felt that it must be divine strength or nothing. He thinks no more of his godly plans and arrangements, his presents to appease Esau. No, he stands withered and trembling before the one who had humbled him, and cries, “I will not let Thee go until Thou bless me.” He comes to the end of flesh. He clings to Christ as the poor shipwrecked mariner clings to the rock. All self-confidence is gone, all expectations from self and world blasted.

- C.H. Mackintosh

Found that this speaks to me in the midst of mugging for my papers in library these past 2 weeks. Notwithstanding some snorings, overnight in school is really quiet and helps me to focus. In a way, this self-enforced period of being left alone does aid in helping one think clearer.

Forgiven and Loved

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mHZaq6zEVM

Cant sing like Jimmy Needham, but sure can identify with him.

Tell me I’m forgiven and loved
‘Cause I hear it from the street corner priests
On how God is love and how man can be clean
But my joy has been on holiday
And my peace has almost passed away
Tell me I’m forgiven and free

CHORUS
O I tried and tried to rectify my hopeless situation
But I bought the lie I still have work to do
Now I’m working nine to five like I can earn my own salvation
But there is no condemnation in You

O whisper to me now that it’s for real
‘Cause in the silence of these walls righteousness lost its appeal
Dirty deeds have done me in
O but that can’t stop the faithful friend
Giving mercy once again as You heal
Here it is I’m feeling it

(Chorus)

O He died, He died to rectify my hopeless situation
And His blood commands my guilt to leave
Now on Calvary I stand
Empty pockets, open hands
O there is no condemnation for me

(Chorus)

Chit, you’re forgiven and loved
Chit, you’re forgiven and loved
Chit, you’re forgiven
And chit, you are loved
Chit, you’re forgiven and loved