What she longs for is what you are meant to become

We brothers planned a Sisters' Night this week, and boy, what a wonderful time it was. I saw how the team of us came together with one heart to be a blessing to a few we felt were deserving of our time, finances and effort. I saw how truly blessed and appreciated the sisters were, and that in turn made our night. Receiving the appreciative smses and fb posts thereafter, we immediately forget the tiredness or whatever sacrifices we may have made. It was well worth it.

Yet, what makes the sisters feel so loved and appreciated? All we had were a roundtable of less than fantastic food, two out-of-place muscians at Raffles hotel and a public display of affection, haha. Honestly, we guys surely felt we could have done better, planned something more romantic etc.

Could it be that they felt the collective effort to be a blessing to them, the care and concern that is not self-seeking or chauvinistic in nature? Or could it be that, through the small acts of love, they saw a glimspe of how their romance story will pan out? Afterall, every little girl dreams of the day her prince will come, right? Look at the movies women love - the hero is a romancer. He pursues her, wins her heart, takes her into a great adventurer and love story.

What she longs for is what we are meant to become. And we are meant to be boys affirmed by God's love, cowboys with a sense of adventure, warriors with battles worth fighting for, kings to govern in authority, and sages to mentor others.

Masculinity is an initiation and also a process. Edwin Louis Cole said, "Male by birth, Man by choice". It takes hard work and time to become a true man. Is it really worth it?

Looking at their faces on Sisters' Night, the answer is obvious!

Prayer

Lord, grant me grace to trust that you hold my world in the palm of your hands, when in my human weakness I see not your workings in my life.

Of expressing self

I realized it is possible for one to be adept at speaking to a crowd, yet cannot express himself emotionally to a loved one or friend.

Bringing the Question to a woman

The Question being, "Do I have what it takes? And by bringing it to a woman, it meant finding validation from her.

How many of us guys can relate to that? We seek to find affirmation from a woman that our fathers were meant to bestow. We fall in love and the romance blossoms, and for a while the world becomes a better place and the sky is the limit. But then things fade, and both the man and the woman wonder why.

"The reason is that he stopped the progression, never went on to know God as Lover. No woman can satisfy this longing in a man's heart, and no good woman wants to try. When he makes her the centre of his universe, it feels romantic for a while, but then the planets starts to collide. It's not a big enough romance. He will find his heart awakening again when he opens his heart to God, and though he might have to journey there for a season, he'll find he has something to offer his woman again." - John Eldredge, Fathered by God(2009)

We are, as the author puts it, "wounded lovers". How can we freely and strongly offer love when we are desperate and frightened in a search for love?

Brothers, we cant. Not until we are healed anyway.

And shortcuts will only serve to lengthen the process. With regards to healings and character there are no quick-fixes. Blaming circumstances is a quick-fix. Swearing ignorance is a quick-fix. The beauty on the screen is a quick-fix. For while she seems enticing, partly because it makes us feel like a man, it is a counterfeit.

Memoirs of a cadet

Found my journal book from OCS, have quite a few nice entries, haha.

Front page, undated:
To me, to be an officer in the SAF means...
1) to be in a position of influence
2) to be a leader/fisher of men
3) to be a man of godly values and be able to pass them on

22-06-05, 2010hrs, Wed:
Hey, today finally have some admin time. We are required to keep a journal for our reflections of the day, which is great man! Now I can have time to write to you (God), and its part of army! Thank you man. These 3 days are alright, very hectic, always rushing for the next programme, but so far still managable la. The tower run is cool, got to see the industrial area, the residential area and the forest. Our "playground". The rationale behind the 3 edge SAFTI tower was firstly to represent the 3 services of SAF: navy, army and airforce. Secondly, the residential and industrial areas are livelihood of Singapore, so we need to train hard in the forest in order to protect those places. Haha, the latter reason is quite funny, but help me internalize it. Take away my skepticism and unwillingness...

30-06-05, 1032 hrs, Thu:
Finally! Field camp is over! Though it is only a mere 2 day 1 night outfield, it sure seems like an eternity. Learnt and did navigation exercises, did some SIT test stuff, more navigation... Was so tiring by then, I just dropped everything on the floor and lie down for a good 5 mins. At least we had a sumptuous dinner, with ice milo! (What? Ice milo? Sumptuous?!) For method of instruction, I talked about sailing. It came off quite well, thank you. But I suppose if Im asked to give an impromptu speech, ill still not be competent. Help me with that.
Today drawing spare arms. Im rather fearful to be in armskote, doing duty. Fearful of making stupid mistakes and signing extras. Fearful of losing a weapon. But i know it is your plan, cos so "suai", I dont want to, but still got it in the end.
Called Mum just now. She said she is not feeling well. Then didnt see doctor cos dont have money. Haiz, help her out. Grant her a speedy recovery.

04-07-05, 1015hrs, Mon:
Today we had initiation, with our lanyard being taken off. It marks the time when our real OCS training starts. The two bar rank was presented to us, and now we must act with more responsibility. Today during the tekan session, I realized my arm strength is far too weak, cos Im not able to hold my SBO at 90 degrees. It also happened during field camp when im supposed to put my full pack over head. So to build myself up stronger, I plan to hold my SBO/full pack every night before sleeping, maybe for 2 mins (there was a 5 beside it being crossed out; the 2 was put in after an honest assessment of my own ability).

13-07-05, 0815hrs, Wed:
Tried to pray just now, but again, dozed off many times. Sometimes really dont know what to say to you anymore..

20-07-05, 0701hrs, Wed:
Just now, realized i need to do regimental duty again, cos of the small wing strength. Drew lots: i got Sat CDO. In a way thankful, cos means i can at least go church.
Failed SOC today. Cant do swing trainer, low rope and struggle through the parallel bars too. I clocked 16 mins (What?!). Very down, depressed and disappointed. Its like im not performing for the entire course right from day 1. Not onlx do I flunk almost every written test (and MRPT too), my supposedly strength, my fitness, also let me down. What's happening now? I may not be super motivated or siao on in this place, but i can definitely say im not a slacker. Im like the worse around here, and Im infamous already (i cant remember why i wrote the last part though).

02-08-05, 1259hrs, Tues:
....
Really happy that Bing crossed over. Now we can talk together, and i suppose we can be a source of strength for one another. Help him to adapt to life here Lord...

13-08-05, 1720hrs, Sat:
Also dont know what to write. Seems to have alot of stuff in mind, but not sure how to put into words. Always cant wait to book out, but once outside, like at a lost. Want to have fun, companionship, go chill out with friends la, but at the same time, also know that deep down these things doesnt satisfy..

29-08-05, 0837hrs, Mon:
Tomorrow. Ex Spade. 3 days. 2 nights. When i wake up today..(followed by a string of sentences that doesnt make sense. I guess i fell back to sleep)

Things worth fighting for

Today I finally got to watch 叶问2：宗师传奇 after hearing some good reviews and jokes (specifically, how to pronounce the title). It was interesting in that it elicited similar responses from my Mum and me alike, especially feelings of injustice when Twister punch 叶问 after the bell has sounded (Mum: 哇那个洋鬼子玩臭！ Me:Wa lao, you idiot!).

I like the movie because I can identity some themes with John Elderedge's Fathered by God - the Warrior. In the book JE talked about how every male has a warrior heart, because God is a warrior God. The reason for the warrior? Because there are certain things worth fighting for. A marriage, or the institution of marriage as a whole. Children, whether they are yours or not. Our doctors fight for the lives of their patients, teachers the hearts of our future leaders. Some people believe the earth is worth fighting for. For 叶问 and 洪师父, it is their culture's integrity. For Sam, Frodo and Legolas, the fate of Middle Earth.

Me? I think I want to fight to protect and provide for my family, fight to guard the purity of my heart, fight for young men's destiny, fight for a lady's heart.

Men are all called to be warriors. So, what's the heart of a warrior like? "The warrior nature is fierce and brave, ready to confront evil, ready to go into battle. This is a time for a young man to stop saying, 'Why is life so hard?' He takes the hardness as the call to fight, to rise up, to take it on." - Fathered by God, John Eldredge (2009)

This sounds like OCS training all over again! But nah, its more than about joining the army and roughing it out. It's not just about the brawns, though it will surely help (Did i just hear the ladies heave a sigh of relief?). No, i think it is the ability to withstand hardship, to have self discipline, to go on roads less travelled, to defend those you love and the convictions you hold, not because it is macho, but just cos we are men , and that's what men do.

Another theme is that the passivity of men (as in males) has dire consequences. In the movie, 洪师父 and Fatso were collectors (albiet reluctantly) for the martial arts schools as part of a protection racket headed by Superintendent Wallace, a corrupt officer in the Hong Kong police. Even when the latter refuse to honor his word and threatens to stop 洪's and his disciples' fishing business, 洪 did not respond to the injustice.

Remember The Two Towers and the reluctance of Theoden king of Rohan to fight? "I will not risk open war", he said. Remember the Israelites refusal to fight to enter into the Promised Land after leaving Egypt, and ended up wandering for 40 years? Passivity.

What is it with us men, that refuses to fight back when there is an obvious battle? What is it with me, when I refuse to discuss and address my mother's fears when she brings me the utilities bill? What is it with me, when I dodged conflict by feigning ignorance? What is it with me that rather go jogging then engaging family members when they obviously had a hard day at work?

Passivity!

May every man recognizes that there are battles waiting to be fought. That we will not allow the bad habit of passivity to take root. I refuse, for I know there are many things worth my fighting for.

And perhaps, somewhere out there, there is a beauty waiting to be rescued, her heart to be won over.

美国之旅的感想

有些感想用英语无法表达，今天就尝试用华语博客吧。

转眼三个月就过去了，我的美国之旅也快结束了。

所发生的一切，所见到的事物，心里所体会到的，也无法一言一语可以表达。

有时候觉得自己很勇敢，一个人漂洋过海，离开家人的呵护和朋友的鼓励，想看看自己究竟是什么料。但也有好几个夜晚觉得自己很愚蠢，尤其在这里遇到不开心的时候。看到好友在Facebook的最新信息，知道神在如何使用他们，为他们高兴，也为自己觉得气馁。我自问在美国究竟学到了什么。最多也不是学会卖SixFlags商品，做几道菜，认识新朋友，也没什么大不了。

David the shepherd boy 的故事是神在鼓励我吗？ 还是自己的positive thinking?

天啊，用华语很慢啊，还是不写了。